wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
