she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have already put on my inside pants.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
