I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
