Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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