Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
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