So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
