don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
They are going to name an STD after you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
