Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
