remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
