This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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