no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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