And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
