I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
