Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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