He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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