i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
