The best revenge is premature balding
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize