Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
