That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
