just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
