Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize