i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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