the condom got lost in my hair
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
