yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
