Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
