worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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