3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if i can run in heels then i can drive
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
