Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
