Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
