the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
