Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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