is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
