I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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