You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
