man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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