just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need to sanitize my soul.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
