if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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