I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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