Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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