I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
