I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
