you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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