Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
