I look better un-naked...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
