A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
