Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
