I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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