Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize