the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
