this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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