i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
