No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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