does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
