They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
