I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
