oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
