and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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