I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
