Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
