My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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